Another "suicide attempt"

It's been a stressful week. Last Friday all was well - after work we spent some time together, later got out to eat at a nice little Italian restaurant where we had been before.

On Saturday all went wrong however - it's a long story, having to do with us having agreed to take care of one of my sister's kids for an hour Saturday. Another of my sister's sister-in-law was supposed to take care of their other child, but as that child was ill, they had cancelled things with the SIL, out of fear that the illness would affect the SIL's daughter as well, and now they asked if we could take care of both children. I sensed that B. would not like this, but said "Okay, we will manage somehow". When I talked to B. about it afterwards she went ballistic along the lines "I have no value to them, they worry about [the SIL] and her daughter, but they don't care if I catch the disease, even if I am pregnant. No way I am going". I can see her points, to some degree, on the other hand we had been with the kids before without getting infected, and there's also a difference between two kids playing together, and an adult who is aware of the risks and can better remember to wash hands etc. as needed.

She said that I could go alone if I wanted to, but I clearly sensed it would cost me dear if I left her home alone to take care of the kids. So I called and said to my BIL that we were sorry, but we wouldn't be able to take care of the kids anyway. As I got a little crossed at having to cancel the agreement I had with my sister and BIL, she got angry/sad that I wasn't happy that we weren't going, and she went to the kitchen and sat down with some pills (anti-allergic pills that usually leaves her sleeping for a couple of hours), when I asked what she was doing, she said that she was going to take them all, because she couldn't bear to see me like this, angry/sad because of her. I talked her out of it, and took the pills away before she had taken any. She kept sitting at the table, after talking a little I went to the fridge to take out something, and she darted to the kitchen sink and picked up a large kitchen knife. As I stormed after her, she lifted the knife and threatened me, so I would keep my distance, then she put the knife against her stomach, and talked about how she wanted to end it all.

It took a while to talk her out of this, and make her put the knife down, including begging her on my knees, with tears running down my cheeks. After that we went back to bed, me still rather shocked. But in a matter of seconds she changed completely, saying "Well, I will go over and take care of the kids, you can come too when you're ready" while putting on a dress. Despite my protestations she was up and out of the door in a matter of minutes, with me still laying in bed. I can't imagine what my sister and BIL thought when she showed up unannounced at their door, but when I came over about 20 minutes later, after taking a bath and dressing, they joked a little about out unpredictability. They ought to be used to it by now.

The rest of the day turned out fine, but Sunday she was angry and talking suicide again, although without going to the lengths of Saturday. The rest of the week she seems to have been fine during the day, but she has been unable to go to school because she has been awake almost all night due to different illnesses and pains (and kept me awake most nights too, leaving me exhausted at work). Thursday she made me stay home from work, as she was "afraid of being alone, and of not being able to breath", but in the end she was fine, and we slept most of the day. I believe most of this is due to her being scared by having to go to school, where she doesn't feel well, and feels she is worse at learning than the others (which might well be true).

The Closet (Part 2)

To my great surprise, the Closet Affair seems to have come to a conclusion without further drama. Yesterday I went directly from work to my mom's place, and spent some three hours setting up the closet. B. would have liked to come, taking the bus to town, but she wasn't feeling up to it at the time, and thus ended up staying home. I called her about half-way through, half expecting her to be angry that I was still not done. She sounded okay and calm, though, and said she was talking to her mom on Skype. When I was done, I called her again, and she asked me to take home some take-away food.

Once at home, around 8 o'clock, all seemed fine, she was relieved that I returned so soon, she seems to have expected that I would end up staying at my mom's place till late in the night. While eating we talked about her sister, A., who is trying in vain to get the father of her child to behave like a dad for their 8 month old baby, and not just pay child support. The rest of the evening we spent in bed, making love, and then continued setting up her laptop.

Before we went to sleep, she had a small crisis, she started crying and imploring me not to leave her. "I won't leave you" I said, but she wasn't easy to convince, "You will, I know you will, everybody else has left me", she went to her knees, crying profusely, "I am so weak, I need you, please, please", and she again apologised for bitching about my mom the other day when I had asked about when to do the closet thing. "You don't deserve having to deal with me", "I don't deserve to be with you, you will soon tire of me"...

The Closet (Part 1)

Yesterday was C-day, Closet day. Since we moved to the new house back in March, we have had my old closet sitting in the garage. My mom would like to have this closet, she had it before I got it, and I said she could have it, we wouldn't need it anymore. B. thought we ought to throw it out, so as to avoid the hassle of having to take it to my mom's place and set it up, and she has thus moaned and complained every time the subject pops up.
The last few days my sister has prodded me to find a date where we can finally move the damn closet to my mom's house, as it seems my mom complains to my sister about never getting it. This has literally given me a headache, as I knew bringing up the subject of finding a date with B. would mean trouble at home.

But yesterday I brought it up, quite calmly. We were sitting on the bed, she was watching Brazilian TV on her laptop, I was checking my e-mails and such.

Me: My love, I have to find a day to get the closet set up at my mom's place - do you have any preferences?
B.: Oh, god, that damn closet again...
Me: Don't start again, we already talked about this, I just need to find a date.
B.: Oh, pick any day you want, I don't care...
B.: But don't you dare do it on a Friday, Saturday or Sunday - those are exclusively mine.

She doesn't look at me. I sit quiet, annoyed for a while. I had wanted to do it on Friday, as I get off work early, and the forecast says it will rain. After a few minutes silence she turns to me.

B.: Why do you even bother with her, she doesn't care about you. What does you get in return?
Me: In return? She's my mom!
B.: But why should you do it, she doesn't deserve your help...
Me: You want me to tell her and my sister than I can't help them, because you don't think she deserves my help?
B.: She never did anything for you, she abandoned you as a child, left you at a boarding school,...
Me: Stop it! That's rubbish, don't start it...

I've heard it before, it's complete rubbish really, but I get angry just the same. I get off the bed, leave the room, pick up the first thing I can grab (my wallet) and throw it against the wall in rage, credit cards and coins flying all over the place, then run out in the garden and sit in a corner trying to control my anger. She comes out after me, hugs me and says she's sorry, she shouldn't take like that to me, I don't deserve her treating me like that, she didn't mean it, please come back in.  I go in with her, she picks up my wallet and the stuff that flew out of it, I lie down on the bed, she brings me chocolate to calm me down. We talk a little. She talks with her mom on Skype, I try to call my mom to set up a date.

Later we go over to my sisters place to pick up some stuff for the baby. Afterwards the rest of the evening is quiet, she starts installing Windows on a new laptop, I browse around and help her when needed.

On Wednesday we (or I) will go to my mom's place, and set up the closet, and hopefully it won't be an issue again. I hate those episodes, though...

The Test

A couple of weeks ago I received an e-mail, appearing to be from a Brazilian woman, Karina, the e-mail address basically translates into "wetpussy24@...." She wrote that she was coming to Denmark for a couple of months to visit a friend of hers, someone who is also an acquaintance of my wife. Her friend had told her of me, and she would very much like to meet someone who speaks Portuguese, and since she had been told that my wife was "fat and not very beautiful", she suggested that we meet up and spend some time together, alone.  "See the photo to get an idea what I look like".

Revealingly I saw the e-mail just after my wife had called and said that she wasn't able to log in to her account, could I please check if I was able to log into mine. But even without this, I would probably not have fallen for this trick (not that I would want to do any such thing, even if it had been for real). In any case I called her bluff and forwarded the e-mail to my wife's e-mail address, and told her that she can trust me, and doesn't need to test me like that. I was tempted to play along, and write back that we could indeed meet up every so often, but desisted since B. would perhaps get on the verge of suicide if she didn't see that I was just kidding with her.

When I got home she still tried to pretend it wasn't her who sent that e-mail for a while, but in the end she gave up and admitted.

The Goodbye

Thursday I got this email sent to me from my wife while I was at work. I don't understand why it is she feels that my family in general and my mom in particular hasn't accepted her. All is good now, though...

I learned that in life there are times to arrive and to leave, I came into your life for a reason and with a special purpose and now a cycle is coming to an end and you are now ready, I believe the time for me to leave has come, to leave you alone and free to love for real someone who lives up to your expectations, the daughter-in-law of your mother's dreams, who is accepted and admired for real by all of you.

My love, I have seen many signs that our love came to its end, and I will not stay here any more, as an inconvenience to your family and in your life, I am leaving and with me will go our child, I believe it's better this way, your are not ready to be a father yet, and my child would give you even more problems, for however dead I might be, he or she would always have some of my ways that would inconvenient you and the woman with whom you will reconstruct your life.

The point, M., is that I don't want to live in the constant fear that any day your mother will introduce another Brazilian in our lives, who will end up destroying us, I don't want another loss in my life, it was enough for me to lose my dad, I would die if I ever saw you in the arms of another woman, I know your mother didn't desist yet from introducing another Brazilian in our lives and I know it will destroy us, I know nothing will stop your mom from that obsession that she has with destroying me using other Brazilians, I know nothing I do will help me win over her heart, as I have noticed that it is impossible to conquer her, I give up, for me it's the end of the line. But before I leave for good, I want a goodbye a sweet night of love for the two of us with love, caresses and tenderness, and you will love me for the last time, you will have me alive in your arms for the last time.

Always remember one thing, no matter where I am I will always be rooting for your happiness, next to my dad you are the one I loved most in my life, never forget that I really loved you from the first moment, my little piece of heaven, [...], but surely you made me very intensely happy, more than I ever dreamt of being, my first and only love and [...], you will always be the best man I ever had.

Be very happy my love

I will be waiting for our reunion my M., with ETERNAL LOVE, your F.

[My own translation from Portuguese]

The HIV Test

At some point we talked about doing HIV tests on both of us, just to make sure all was well. She said she feared to have been infected with HIV from her previous relations, but hadn't done the test out of fear to get a positive result. When she got pregnant, we asked the doctor to do the test along with the other testing done at the same time. As we left the doctor's office, she talked about how she was sure she was infected, not only that, but that she feared having infected me with it as well, and she felt very bad. I tried to calm her down, and talked about the very low probability of both cases. The doctor had said the result would be due in two days. In those two days she lay mostly in bed, unable to eat, out of worry that the result would be positive. On the day the result should be due, she called me at 8.01 o'clock at work to remind me to call the doctor's office to get the results. After calling several times during the day, it turned out that it would be a couple of more days before the results of the tests were due. She reacted with rage, debasing the Danish health system and the doctor, while at the same time airing her suspicion that either I or the doctor was lying about the result. Mostly she seemed to think that I was lying, and simply did not want to tell her that it had been a positive test. Two days more of waiting, although she seemed to relax a bit more. I finally got the result from the doctor's office - it turned out negative, as I had expected. She was a little relieved, but still wasn't convinced that I wasn't lying to her about the result, thinking that it had been positive, and that I just wanted to spare her the details. For several days she has kept talking about why I don't tell her the truth, alternating with speculation that the result might be a false negative, or that they probably switched the blood samples at the laboratory. Months later she still isn't convinced her test didn't show up positive, and still asks me if I am telling her the truth.

The "Legoland" Incident

My sister had asked if I could drive her and her family to Billund airport when they were going on holiday. I agreed. When it turned out that they would go to the Legoland theme park the day before flying away on holiday, and stay the night at the airport hotel, we talked about maybe going all of us. However the weather turned out to be not very good, and B. was suffering from nausea and vomiting. Before I left home she was barely able to eat or drink, and vomited even the little water she was able to drink. She would cry and point to some tiny red specks in the vomit, saying, "Look, I am vomiting blood!" While giving the impression that she was on the verge of dying, she also said that this was what it was like every day after I went off to work. She went back to bed, and we agreed that I would only take my sister's family to Billund, and not go into the theme park with them.

The day before she had herself said that it would probably take about three hours, as it would take about one hour driving each way, and the rest would be the taken up by the neverending slowness and waiting she was always accusing my family of.

It did indeed take three hours from I left home till I was back again. Some time was spent waiting at my sister's house, some time I was waiting at a supermarket where they had to buy something, and quite a lot of time was spent waiting while they checked in at the airport hotel, dropping off the luggage before going to the theme park. I dropped them off at the theme park, and called B. to say that I was on my way home now, just to get a scolding for taking so long and not being on my way home sooner.

When I got home, she was very angry that I had taken so long, leaving her alone "to die", just for something as unimportant as taking my sister's family to the airport. The final straw to her was on hearing that I hadn't just dropped them off at the airport hotel, but had waited for them, and drived them to the theme park afterwards. I had abandonned her, left her to die miserably, I should have understood that in reality she never wanted me to leave, but rather to tell my sister that they could take themselves to the airport, that I had a wife who was ill, who needed my care. She wanted divorce, she wanted to kill herself, if it wasn't for the baby. She wanted to throw me out of the house, "go live with your mom", but as I refused she instead took her bed linen and her laptop, and moved to the guest room, where she stayed for a couple of hours. Only when she had to go to the bathroom to vomit again did she come out. When she returned from the bathroom she was crawling on all four, and complaining to the dog of how bad I treated her.

Suicide - Threats and attempts

The suicide issue comes up almost every single day, a few times just subtly and unspecific: "I will never return to Brazil alive", "If you ever leave me I don't want to live anymore", "Do you remember what music you promised you would play while pouring my ashes into the sea?" (Whitney Houston, in The Bodyguard). Every fight however - and many times even just a minor disagreement - leads to new and clear threats of suicide.

Different ways she has attempted, or pretended to attempt suicide:

• Pills: She would swallow, or claim to have swallowed, 5-10 Valium. This has happened both in Manaus, Kolding, Lund, and Hovedgård.
• Jumping out of the window: She would open the window and lean out, as if trying to jump, but finally let me pull her back in. She has done this in Kolding, Lund and Dublin.
• Jumping out in front of traffic: She would try to throw herself out in front of a car, while walking along a street, I would hold her back, and she would fight to get free. She has done this in Kolding and Copenhagen.
• Cut a wrist or her throat with a knife: She would take a kitchen knife, or try to break open a Gillette razor in order to extract the blades, and threaten to cut her wrist or her throat with it. She has done this in Kolding, Hovedgård, and Dublin.
• Jumping off a bridge: Talked about jumping off from a bridge (Vejle), which lead me to hide the car keys over night, so she couldn't leave on her own while I was asleep.
• Electrocution: Talked about filling the bathtube with water, sit in it, and dropping the hair dryer into it.
  

Threatening killing me, or us both:
On a few occations she has threatened to kill me: Once in Ireland she put her hands around my throat, as to strangulate me, although she only tried halfheartedly. On the same occation she threatened to disturb me while driving the car, so as to crash us into oncoming traffic and thus kill us both. Other times she has just made vague threats: "I will kill you if you betray me".

Borderline...

Welcome to this place, which in time should develop into a journal that will help me document and deal with the rollercoaster ride that is daily life with my Dear Wife.

A little introduction:
Branco Flaec is NOT my real name.
I am a forty-one year old man, I live in Denmark and work as a programmer for a large retailer.
Last year I met a lovely and funny Brazilian woman, 11 years my junior. After a few but very intense months of Net romance we met IRL, and we spent a month together, then married.

There were plenty of signs that all was not well with her, however: Extreme and sudden mood swings, extreme possessiveness, spats of intense jealousy, unwarrented feelings of abandonment and betrayal, and almost daily threats of suicide.

At first I attributed it to the many changes she was going through in her life - she had lost her father, to whom she was extremely close, to cancer just a couple of weeks before coming over here, she had left behind her widowed mother and a pregnant and unmarried younger sister, as well as given up her job in a bank on a whim, and moved to a strange country, where she didn't speak the language, and generally didn't know what laid in wait for her.

But it didn't get better with time, and then recently one day, quite by chance, I read someone (Helen over at http://everydaystranger.net/) describing BPD , or Borderline Personality Disorder, and rather shockingly it was like reading someone describing my Dear Wife.

I have yet to talk to her about this, as I wanted to learn more about BPD first, and as I am not convinced that telling her that I think she is mentally ill would be helpful in any way. Also she would probably not be able to get any significant treatment here, due to language barriers.

What is BPD then? A good description can be found at http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/bpd.htm, from where the following is taken:

DSM Definition of BPD
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships,
self-image, and affects (mood swings), and marked Impulsivity beginning by early
adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more)
of the following:

1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. (Desperation / rage if they think they are being abandoned, intense feelings of sadness, loss and fear when their partner is away, a need to have access to the partner at all times, inability to allow their partner their own life and friends, a belief that healthy independence in their partner is a threat to them.)

2.A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. (The partner of the person with BPD, friends, coworkers or the person with BPD themself is seen as wonderful or perfect, or as evil and rotten. People and things are seen as rigidly black and white by people with BPD - there is no normal middle ground.) People with BPD are highly intolerant of / unable to deal with the gray areas in life. This is called "splitting."

3.Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. (Confusion about goals, career, life choices, sexuality or sexual orientation. Persistent questions and discomfort with their perceived role in life. Pervasive issues related to "who am I" and "what is my role in the world". Many people with BPD change careers frequently or enter careers that give them a clearly defined framework and sense of identity, like large corporations or the military. Others fall prey to cults or fundamentalist religions that control all aspects of their life. Fundamentalism can be comforting for people with BPD since the "black and white" nature of these religions give them a framework that fits their world view.)

4.Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging e.g., uncontrolled spending, reckless driving, substance abuse, dangerous sexual acts or unsafe sex, binge eating, thrill seeking or risk taking behaviors.

5.Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior. This can be manifested as overt suicide attempts, drug or alcohol abuse, unsafe sexual behavior, or as a pattern of "living dangerously"; this also includes cutting, burning, piercing, and sexual self mutilation.

6.Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days. (People with BPD are intensely moody and volatile emotionally - mood swings and huge shifts occur seemingly "out of nowhere". This is why people with BPD are often misdiagnosed as having Bipolar disorder, and therefore improperly medicated.)

7.Chronic feelings of emptiness. (Generally manifested as sadness, loneliness, isolation, aimlessness, feeling empty without a project or relationship to distract them. People with BPD's low self esteem is often masked by public displays of ego, feelings of superiority or an intense need to control themselves, other people, places and events.)

8.Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger e.g., frequent displays of temper, uncontrolled anger, violent rages, recurrent physical fights, threats, sexualized expression of anger through violent or abusive sex.

9.Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms. (BPD may manifest as a belief that those who love them wish to hurt, control or destroy them. This is especially common in times of stress. Ongoing belief that they are being followed, threatened, observed or are always at risk. BPD's see the world as a dangerous and frightening place and remain constantly on guard, even in safe environments and with safe people.)